I'm engaged!
& how the hell to move forward after a momentous occasion
It’s been one of the most intense, beautiful, overwhelming, and momentous weeks of my life, and so of course, I am totally fucking terrified to write about it. lol
My love and I have been thinking about getting engaged for almost a year now,
so it’s definitely been ON MY MIND lately.
But, now that he pulled off the most special surprise, gave me a gorgeous pink princess ring (sustainably made and ethically sourced, of course) and threw a perfect after party filled with my nearest and dearest-
Now that I’ve had a week full of kind congratulations, whispers about wedding venues, and some time to come back down from cloud eleven…
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NEXT???????????
And don’t you dare say “Start the wedding planning”,
because, absolutely not.
First things first-
My sister is getting married in Greece next fall and I am officiating it (really gotta look into if I need to get some sort of certificate), so I think my whole family needs a little breather before we all get wedding whiplash.
Second-
Maybe it’s just my Pluto in Sagittarius (Gen Z signature), or the fact that it’s 2023
and I feel like we all should’ve moved past the patriarchal bullshit surrounding a wedding ceremony, but I am simply uninterested in doing this whole engagement/ wedding thing like everyone else.
Frankly,
I don’t care if I have a long engagement-
I am an artist, a freelancer and I am only 27!!
Give me some time to be a HOT, SEXY, COOL, FUNKY, FRESH, fiancée
OKAY???????????????????
And while this may be a totally strange and out of left field perspective:
This whole dreamy, sweet, & sweaty moment in my life has taught me that:
1. Dreams do and can come true <3
2. I can ask for big favors from my friends & loved ones and they will
SHOW THE FUCK UP!
I am just astonished that each and every person takes me exactly as I am-
crying my eyeshadow off, sweating buckets from sheer excitement, and mixing metaphors with every Dirty Shirley I drank.
Before Saturday, when I saw the shiny happy faces of so many people that I love and admire, I didn’t really know that I could let others hold the weight of my wildness.
I spent a lot of my life worrying about being liked and wanted because
somewhere along the way- I learned that I was too heavy and spiky and hot.
”Too much” “Too loud” “Too dramatic” “bold “and “breakable”
Well, until now.
Now I have good people all around me- everywhere I blink.
Now I have the friends I have always dreamed of in my corner,
cheering me on, braiding my hair intricately while I dry heave.
Of course, It’s not all sunshine and rainbows and butterflies.
On Monday morning, I woke up to put my new ring on my finger and greeted the mess in my bathroom from the weekend whirlwind.
The sink had makeup stains & 3 days of dirty underwear littered the yellowish tiles. Just because a piece of me leveled up this weekend, doesn’t mean the undercooked bits sizzle into serenity. It’s just the painful dichotomy.
However, I do feel a sense of bravery after last week’s events unfolded.
I had the chance to look at the pie chart of my life, and now that my relationship is in such a healthy, happy, and hopeful place- I can’t help but want to balance out the other slices.
So…. No time like the present!
Writing this newsletter has been exceptionally thrilling, rewarding, and challenging, and I feel so honored that each and every one of you subscribed and stayed to witness the wackiness.
I’d like to share with you all, dear readers, that my GOAL for this year is to expand this small project into something BIG, GRAND, BOLD, AND BEAUTIFUL.
In 2024- I plan to transform this small but mighty newsletter into a full-blown brand. I’d like to launch a corresponding podcast, some live community gathering events, and ~dream big with me here~ have it be an incubation space for a film project that I plan to produce this year as well.
I’ll admit that-
It feels totally terrifying to have achieved a life-long dream:
To have found my person in this lifetime
& to still ask for more…
BUT I think that I finally know now,
that I am deserving of a great, big, beautiful life.
So, I’m excited! And scared! And hope you’ll come along with me on this new adventure! And If so, THANK YOUUUUUUU
It is not easy to bravely & fearlessly go towards the me I’ve been wanting & craving to be. But, I know that no one else will create the space I need, except me.
I finally feel ready to sit down, focus in on my future, and do the diligent work to make it all come to fruition. I can’t wait to look back at this moment in time- and feel amazed by where I started and what I’ve accomplished since.
I’ve never felt older than I do right now,
but I also feel as if my life is just beginning.
Because it really is.
So, here’s a small piece I wrote as a little ode to all my past & future selves:
BECOMING UNSTOPPABLE
Today I caught the train just in time to watch the sun go down on my side of Manhattan I wistfully mourned all the dead trees even though it’s the time of year when miracles tend to happen not quite catholic, something a whole lot messier, but faith filled nonetheless Crying at the sight of darkness feels so three years ago, now in the winter I’m a changeling, I do it better than the rest Today I caught the train just in time to see just how much things have changed on this side of the bridge I’m happy now, perhaps even content no shitty friends, no mildewy leftovers in the fridge Finally feeling grateful for the girl who spent her lunch breaks crying over Glennon Doyle in the park I count my blessings in the morning now, though the butterfly bushes are dormant, I seem to have retained my spark It all used to feel heavy and on the edge of impossible but hark the help of honest healing I’m slowly becoming unstoppable
No, listicle this weekend because I am exhausted and you probably are too!
One small challenge though, just for me:
1. Even if for a single minute or a moment,
daydream about your wildest wishes.
Then when you are done, take one teeny tiny step towards achieving them.
I can’t wait to see what we all do in our lifetimes, thanks for cheering me on,
I love y’all dearly <3
see you here next week on Sunday
same place, same time 😘